It seems that whenever someone talks about marriage struggles or issues the phrase that follows is usually something about communication problems. “W e just can’t communicate.” “I don’t know what she is thinking? “I can’t read his mind.”  Most therapists will, at some point in counseling, say, “I think you guys are having some communication issues.”  Just what exactly does that mean?  Most of us know that communication is essential in all areas of our life not just our marriage, but what does communication entail and, more importantly, how do we do it? 

The importance of communication is well established. Ed Wheat in his book, Love that Lasts a Lifetime states, “Researchers believe that 90% of all marriage counseling involves the attempt to restore communication or to teach couples to communicate effectively for the first time.”  I would concur that this is often a major issue that I see in my practice as well. How do these communication problems arise or occur? It can be from a number of different sources, but it always involves a key component which is an assumption that you understand your partner.  Often times these assumptions are inaccurate and wrong. Often times the longer one is with his spouse, the less talking occurs and the more assumptions take place.  Initially, the following thoughts are harmless or even loving. “I know what she wants.  I know how he feels.”  As time goes by, the assumptions become clouded and often inaccurate. Eventually you are making the mistake that the reason your spouse is being so mean and cruel is because he doesn’t agree with you and that he is mad at you.  Most often he simply does not understand you. 

A common problem when you are in a big fight is that you are fighting about two different things at the same time. This is why you reach a stalemate. In fact, you are both right. An example of this is when a husband states, “Why don’t you just stop doing some housework and sit and watch some TV with me.” The wife responds, “Well if you helped me more I would be able to.”  What is this argument about? The husband is asking his wife for some attention and time. The wife is asking for some help and appreciation. Who is wrong? Obviously neither.  They simply need to decide what argument are they going to have, the lack of attention the husband is feeling or the lack of help the wife is feeling. Both are valid things to discuss but you cannot have those different fights at the same time.  This happens many times over in a marriage.

How can this be fixed? Well, thankfully, communication is a skill. And if it is a skill, it is something that can be learned and practiced. Here are some skills to practice.

1. Complete Attention—Half is not enough.  Half listening means half hearing what the other person is trying to relay to you.  It will lead to misunderstandings.

2. No Interruptions—Interruptions increase frustration and jumping to conclusions.

3. Repeat – Repeat what you have heard. You will be surprised how often you get I wrong.

4. Eye Contact –Respond with your eyes. Drop what you are doing and focus on the message that is being sent.

5. Don’t Rush – Don’t rush the discussion. Don’t wait for commercial breaks or half time to have your conversation.  Give it the attention that it deserves.

6. Watch your Feedback—Don’t send negative feedback. Be careful of the comments you make or don’t make. Remember silence is usually seen as negative.

7. Acceptance  -- Accept the breakthrough; don’t demand more. Resist the temptation to validate your side. Be grateful. Don’t walk right past the apology.

8. Not a War – Communication is not a war to be won. How are you deciding who wins the argument? By the outcome, the apology, or the resolution?

9. Not a Personal Rejection—Remember the argument is about a feeling or idea not about you or your spouse as a person.

10. Changing Weapons—Don’t bring up other past issues, victories, or failures. Remember, you should not be saying, "Last time you won.”