The major aim of therapy is to increase knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you.  The key task of couples therapy is to discover what kind of partner you aspire to be in order to get the kind of relationship you want.  There are always trade offs and getting the most out of therapy is no exception.  The first trade off you will face is time.  It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes, time to be together, time to be with family, time to play and time to relax.  The time that it takes to build your relationship will encroach on some other valuable areas like your personal or your professional time.

Maximizing the value of your session. A common yet unproductive pattern in therapy is showing up for each counseling session saying, "I don't know what to talk about, how about you?"  While this blamk slate approach may open some interesting doors, it is a hit or miss process.  Another unproductive pattern is discusiing whatever fight you are in at the moment.  This may be helpful if discussed within the larger context of what you wish to learn from the experience, however, it is often looked at as a way of simply stopping the fight.  Overtime, repeating this pattern will lead to the question, "Are we getting anywhere?" A more powerful approach to your sessions would be to reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.  It is also helpful to think about the next step as it relates to your larger objective of achieving the kind of relationship you wish to create.

Attitude is key.  Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to rrespond to you. Likewise, you are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner.  Couple's therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner.

While you cannot create a flourishing relationship by only fixing what is wrong, it is a start.  Love is destroyed when self-intrest dominates.  If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship and achieve it, you will pay the price by becoming dull.

Adapted from CouplesInstitute.com by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson